Understanding Self-Sabotage: Why We Get in Our Own Way and How Therapy Can Help Us Change

We’ve all had moments when we find ourselves standing in the way of our own success—missing deadlines, pulling away from people who care about us, or doubting our ability to achieve something we’ve worked hard for. These patterns of self-sabotage often appear subtle at first, but over time, they can erode our confidence, strain relationships, and block us from living the life we want.

As a psychotherapist, I often see clients frustrated by the question: “Why do I keep doing this when I know it’s not good for me?” The truth is, self-sabotage is rarely about laziness or lack of willpower—it’s usually rooted in deeper emotional dynamics that therapy can help uncover and transform.

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage occurs when our behaviors, thoughts, or emotions interfere with our conscious goals or values. It’s when we unconsciously create obstacles to the very things we desire—connection, success, stability, or peace.

Common signs of self-sabotage include:

• Procrastination when opportunities arise.

• Perfectionism that keeps you from finishing or sharing your work.

• Chronic self-criticism or comparing yourself to others.

• Pushing people away when relationships start to feel close.

• Overcommitting or underperforming in ways that reinforce feelings of failure.

• Engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors such as overeating, substance use, or overspending when under stress.

These actions may look like self-destruction on the surface, but beneath them often lies an unconscious attempt at self-protection.

Why We Self-Sabotage

At the heart of self-sabotage is a conflict between the part of us that wants growth and the part that fears it. Many of these patterns are rooted in early experiences where love, attention, or safety were conditional.

For example:

• Fear of failure may stem from being harshly criticized as a child.

• Fear of success can arise if we were taught that standing out would lead to rejection or jealousy.

• Low self-worth may convince us we don’t deserve happiness or healthy love.

• Unresolved trauma can make stability feel unsafe, so chaos becomes familiar and “comfortable.”

These internal conflicts are rarely conscious—which is why therapy can be such a powerful space for uncovering them.

How Therapy Helps Identify and Transform Self-Sabotage

In the therapy space, we slow down enough to observe patterns that are usually automatic. Together, therapist and client explore not only what behaviors are happening, but why.

Some therapeutic approaches that can help include:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Identifies and challenges negative thinking patterns that fuel self-sabotage.

• Psychodynamic Therapy: Explores unconscious beliefs and childhood experiences that shape self-destructive cycles.

• Internal Family Systems (IFS): Helps you understand the different “parts” of yourself—like the inner critic or the protector—and what they’re trying to achieve.

• Mindfulness-Based Therapy: Brings awareness to how fear and self-protection show up in the body, allowing for greater regulation and self-compassion.

Through this process, clients often discover that self-sabotage once served a purpose—keeping them safe, avoiding disappointment, or maintaining control—but that those old strategies no longer fit the life they want to create.

Changing Self-Sabotaging Patterns

Transformation begins with awareness and compassion. Here are a few ways therapy supports meaningful change:

1. Building Self-Awareness:

   Recognizing your triggers, patterns, and inner narratives helps you catch self-sabotage before it takes hold.

   
   

2. Practicing Self-Compassion:

   Instead of judging yourself for “messing up again,” therapy teaches you to approach yourself with curiosity and care. Compassion dissolves shame—the fuel that keeps sabotage alive.

   
   

3. Developing New Coping Strategies:

   Together, you and your therapist can practice healthier ways of managing stress, fear, or vulnerability, replacing old habits with intentional action.

   
   

4. Strengthening Boundaries and Communication:

   As self-worth grows, you become more comfortable asserting needs, setting limits, and maintaining authentic connections.

   
   

5. Reinforcing Success and Trust:

   Celebrating small wins helps rebuild a sense of competence and trust in yourself—key ingredients for lasting change.

The Ripple Effect: Relationships, Self-Esteem, and Goals

As self-sabotage decreases, people often notice shifts in every area of life:

• Relationships become more stable and authentic because fear of rejection lessens.

• Self-esteem improves as you prove to yourself that you can follow through.

• Goals feel attainable because the inner resistance begins to quiet.

Therapy becomes not just a place of insight, but a rehearsal space for a new way of being—with more self-trust, self-respect, and possibility.

Final Thoughts

Self-sabotage isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that something inside you is asking for healing. When you begin to understand the “why” behind your behaviors, you open the door to lasting change.

In therapy, we learn that the parts of us that resist progress aren’t enemies to conquer—they are messengers pointing us toward the places that need compassion the most. And when we listen, we can move from self-sabotage to self-support, creating a life that truly aligns with who we are and what we value.