The Power of “And”: Holding Two Truths at Once

One of the most profound psychological shifts we can make is deceptively simple: replacing either/or with both/and.

So many of us are taught—implicitly or explicitly—to organize our inner world in binaries. We are strong or vulnerable. Right or wrong. Healing or hurting. When life feels overwhelming, our minds reach for clarity by narrowing the field. Certainty feels safer than complexity.

And yet, emotional health often begins where certainty ends.

The Problem With Either/Or Thinking

In therapy, I often hear statements like:

• “I love my partner, but I’m unhappy.”

• “I’m grateful for my job, but I feel burned out.”

• “I’ve done a lot of healing, but I still get triggered.”

The word but quietly erases whatever came before it. Gratitude is dismissed. Love is questioned. Progress is minimized. The mind treats conflicting truths as evidence that one must be false.

This is called either/or thinking, a cognitive habit that simplifies reality but distorts it. While it can be useful in moments of danger or urgency, it becomes limiting when applied to emotional life. Human experience is rarely tidy. We are layered, contradictory, and constantly in motion.

Enter the Power of “And”

When we replace but with and, something subtle but transformative happens.

• “I love my partner and I’m unhappy.”

• “I’m grateful for my job and I feel burned out.”

• “I’ve done a lot of healing and I still get triggered.”

Nothing is canceled out. Both experiences are allowed to exist. The nervous system often relaxes because it no longer has to defend one truth against another.

This creates a powerful shift and emotional integration.

“And” creates psychological space. It signals to the mind: I don’t have to choose. I don’t have to rush. I hold space for complexity.

Why Holding Two Truths Is So Hard

Many of us learned early that holding multiple truths was unsafe. Perhaps our caregivers couldn’t tolerate our mixed emotions. Maybe we were rewarded for being “easy,” “positive,” or “strong.” Over time, we internalized the belief that certain feelings invalidate other feelings.

Additionally, our brains crave coherence. Ambiguity can feel like a threat, especially for people with trauma histories. If you grew up needing to constantly assess danger, your mind learned to sort quickly into good/bad, safe/unsafe, stay/leave.

Practicing “and” is therefore not just a mindset shift—it’s a regulation practice.

Practicing “And” Internally

Here are a few ways to begin:

1. Name both truths out loud.

When you notice inner conflict, try stating it gently:

“I feel disappointed and I understand why this happened.”

Hearing both truths spoken helps the brain integrate them.

2. Notice the urge to resolve.

If you feel pressure to “figure it out” immediately, pause. Ask yourself: What if nothing needs to be decided right now?

3. Offer curiosity and compassion to both parts.

Often, each truth belongs to a different part of you. Neither is wrong. Both are trying to protect or express something important.

Practicing “And” in Communication

Using “and” with others can radically shift conversations.

Instead of:

• “I hear you, but I disagree.”

Try:

• “I hear you, and I see this differently.”

Instead of:

• “I want to support you, but I’m overwhelmed.”

Try:

• “I want to support you, and I’m overwhelmed.”

This doesn’t dilute boundaries or honesty. In fact, it strengthens them. People feel less dismissed, and you remain more connected to your own truth.

Change Without Erasure

One of the deepest fears people have in therapy is that change will mean losing something essential—loyalty, love, identity, or history. The power of “and” reassures us that growth does not require erasure.

You can honor where you came from and move forward.

You can accept yourself and want more.

You can be healing and still human.

Psychological flexibility—the ability to hold multiple truths, emotions, and perspectives—is a cornerstone of mental health. The word “and” is small, but its impact is vast.

In a world that pushes us to simplify, choose sides, and be certain, practicing “and” is a quiet act of courage.

It allows us to be whole, experience the full range of human emotions and experiences.